It's alright

It’s been almost 5 months since my mother passed away. I have been thinking for quite some time now that I should write about her. The question was what do I write about her? How do I summarize…well, my mother?

I suppose I could write about the risk she took leaving her family and even her country behind and going to Germany…to the unknown…at such a young age…seeking a better life for her dear ones and herself.

Or maybe about the romantic she was. About how she met the love of her life in Germany and started her own little family.

I could write about the hardships she endured, managing a full time job and bringing up three children without a support system.

You see, there are so many different sides to my mother. I would have to write quite a lot to cover what I know about her. And even that wouldn’t tell you everything about her.

This dilemma caused me to postpone this blog entry. Today morning, while I was thinking about her on my way to work, I remembered something and felt that THIS was the best way to remember her.

“It’s alright” (Saaramilla in Malayalam). These must be the words I heard the most from my mother.

Every time I was upset about something, she’d listen to my sorrows and console me with “It’s alright”.

Each time when I thought that my world was crashing down on me, she’d bring back hope into my life by believing. Believing that everything would turn out to be alright.

Every time that I called her to vent about something in my life, every time I was just itching to give people around me a piece of my mind….she’d listen patiently and finally say “It’s alright. Leave it.”

She never encouraged me to argue with anyone, no matter if I was right or not. She’d agree with me alright…but asked me to leave it. Because it would be alright.

And for some reason, it helped. I knew what she would tell me even before I spoke to her. And I’d argue with her about her advice. How can things be alright? Why should I leave it? But like she said, in the end, it would be alright and no one else had to be hurt / offended because I finished venting with her.

God only knows what my relationship with my people would have been right now if she had not stopped me all those times.

It was not just me. During the last two months that I spent at home in Kerala, I heard many people tell me about their experience of pouring out their sorrows to my mother and that they felt better just by hearing her say “It’s alright”. And they believed it too.

But say what you might, right now, I feel cheated in life. I feel cheated of having my mother around for at least another 20 years, cheated that she will not be there physically for many milestones in our lives.

Right now, I’ll close my eyes and imagine her holding my hand, gently stroking my hand with her thumb, and telling me that it will be alright.

Maybe it will be. I hope so. 

Thirteen – Lucky or not?

Sleep is eluding me again so I was rewinding and thinking about this year.

When the year started, I was worried and tensed about leaving my boys for a whole year. I was worried about missing out on important things in their lives. I worried about missing my parents. I worried about how I would manage on my own.

Sure, I was looking forward to the challenges / tasks I accepted, but then, for me there is always a sort of apprehension about the unknown…

Surprisingly, this year turned out to be amazing!

Yes, I DID miss out on stuff with my boys. Tim lost a few teeth, started attending catechism and started school. But on the positive side, my boys were so cooperative / understanding about my absence. We didn’t have any “crying over video chat or the mobile” sessions or any such situations. They tell me from time to time that they miss me, ask me when I will be back…but other than that, my boys (all 3 of them) have been most supportive.

Thanks to this year we were also able to spend some lovely time together here in Germany. This is something I had never imagined earlier. We got to attend my best friend’s wedding together, something that I had thought impossible. I even got to be her maid (well, matron) of honor!

Yes, I DID miss my parents. The longest I have spent without meeting them would be 3-4 months at a stretch. I missed talking to them for an hour every second day. I missed spending Christmas with them.

But on the other hand, I got to meet a lot of their friends and heard a lot of stories about their youth. I connected a lot with my Mom on a personal level. I spent quite some time during trips thinking about her. I was able to see things differently, now that I am also a grown up, a mother. It helped me understand her much better. I feel so much closer to her.

And yes, I DID manage on my own. I was surprised myself, but I realized that my dependence on others is not something that cannot be changed.

And most of all, this year was MY year. This was my year to go down memory lane, to meet old friends, to visit places and people and to make new friends. And I made some wonderful friends. I am so thankful for meeting the people I met this year…for the relationships that were forged this year. SO, so thankful!

So, ups and downs – this year was a good one. I am optimistically looking forward to 2014!

To plan or not to plan...

Flashback...

We moved to India when I was 10. One thing that made this move easier was a secret that I had with my best friend. The plan was that I accompany my parents to India, stay for a while and then sneak back to Germany. It was going to be easy…I had a passport with which the flight attendants would let me board, I’d tell them that I wanted to go to Germany…they’d take me, of course…and then my friend and her parents would adopt me. Like I said, easy…right?

It did take some time to realize that this was a case of “Easier said than done”. When I recently met with my friend after 22 years, we had a good laugh about how naïve we were as kids.

What made me think about this now? I happened to attend a baptism at church the other day. My thoughts drifted from baptism to other highlights in life…marriage, family and eventually, of course, death.

It made me wonder about all the plans that I make now…about the family, the trips, retirement, meeting friends….all those things…am I still being naïve? What guarantee do I have that any of these things will ever happen? None at all….but I still keep on making them.

I have plans to settle in Kerala some day, a nice home, meeting with friends and traveling around… I dream about the boys growing up and all that..

Would it help if I stopped making these plans just because I feel that I might be building castles in the air? I don’t think so. Making plans is good. They help me go one even when life seems tough. They are the promises I make myself that no matter how difficult life gets, it will be better soon.

So yes, I am going to continue planning my lovely future. Yes, there will be ups and downs…but I will just plan some more and enjoy each moment that I am granted.