It's alright

It’s been almost 5 months since my mother passed away. I have been thinking for quite some time now that I should write about her. The question was what do I write about her? How do I summarize…well, my mother?

I suppose I could write about the risk she took leaving her family and even her country behind and going to Germany…to the unknown…at such a young age…seeking a better life for her dear ones and herself.

Or maybe about the romantic she was. About how she met the love of her life in Germany and started her own little family.

I could write about the hardships she endured, managing a full time job and bringing up three children without a support system.

You see, there are so many different sides to my mother. I would have to write quite a lot to cover what I know about her. And even that wouldn’t tell you everything about her.

This dilemma caused me to postpone this blog entry. Today morning, while I was thinking about her on my way to work, I remembered something and felt that THIS was the best way to remember her.

“It’s alright” (Saaramilla in Malayalam). These must be the words I heard the most from my mother.

Every time I was upset about something, she’d listen to my sorrows and console me with “It’s alright”.

Each time when I thought that my world was crashing down on me, she’d bring back hope into my life by believing. Believing that everything would turn out to be alright.

Every time that I called her to vent about something in my life, every time I was just itching to give people around me a piece of my mind….she’d listen patiently and finally say “It’s alright. Leave it.”

She never encouraged me to argue with anyone, no matter if I was right or not. She’d agree with me alright…but asked me to leave it. Because it would be alright.

And for some reason, it helped. I knew what she would tell me even before I spoke to her. And I’d argue with her about her advice. How can things be alright? Why should I leave it? But like she said, in the end, it would be alright and no one else had to be hurt / offended because I finished venting with her.

God only knows what my relationship with my people would have been right now if she had not stopped me all those times.

It was not just me. During the last two months that I spent at home in Kerala, I heard many people tell me about their experience of pouring out their sorrows to my mother and that they felt better just by hearing her say “It’s alright”. And they believed it too.

But say what you might, right now, I feel cheated in life. I feel cheated of having my mother around for at least another 20 years, cheated that she will not be there physically for many milestones in our lives.

Right now, I’ll close my eyes and imagine her holding my hand, gently stroking my hand with her thumb, and telling me that it will be alright.

Maybe it will be. I hope so. 

Sister...

Imagine this. A little girl. The princess of her family. Apple of her parents’ eyes. Not a worry in the world. THEN….one day it all ended. There was a new princess in the kingdom, who kicked the little princess off her throne and hogged the limelight instead. 

Now comes the part that is going to make you cry – That little princess was me. Okay....the picture is exaggerated, neither was my hair brown nor was I that pretty. But you get the idea, don't you? And the new princess? Obviously, my little sister.

When our parents told my brother and me that we were going to have another sibling, I hoped for a sister….which girl doesn’t? Couple of years later, I wished that we had a little brother instead. At least then, the kid would have tailed my brother instead of me.

We started sharing a room when we moved to India and when dear brother broke his leg, he used the opportunity to escape from the “kids’ room” and claim his own, citing that he couldn’t climb stairs. I’m sure he could have if he tried….but maybe he had some kind of foresight on the kind of life he’d have sharing a room with two sisters.

If I had to use one word to describe my sister as she was growing up? I’d choose “pesky”.

She was always there. Trying to find out what I was doing and trying to get me into trouble. And hey, don’t think for a second that I don’t know that you tried finding my diary to get me into more trouble!

When I'd look forward to enjoying a night listening to the sound of heavy rain and thunder, she’d disturb me from her side of the room “I’m scared….can I sleep with you?” and there ends my night.

When I left home to attend college, she took over our room and made me (and still does) feel like a visitor to MY room when I come home. Over the years she became a teenager and I was a “been there, done that” know-it-all elder sister. This led to constant fights between us. I felt that my parents were too lenient with her and that she got away with everything she did.

And then, as if magically, it all changed. She got married and moved out of country. Our talks became more of sharing and discussions. Being there for one another. When I found myself in need to cry the other day, I didn’t have to think twice about talking to her. Somehow I knew that she’d be the right one to open up to. Maybe I accepted her as an equal (well, technically she has to become the mother of two to become my equal)….but still… I feel nice about the relation we have today. We tease each other; we share our joys and troubles….

Do I wish we had developed this relationship years ago? Actually….no, I don’t.

I am happy remembering the pesky little sister days and moments.

And I am sure that the past, the way we came, will help enforce the bond we have now.

A short story before I stop:

Once I was called by our school principle because li’l sis had signed her own test paper and tried passing it off as our uncle’s signature. When I asked her why she used that particular name instead of using the name of an actual uncle, she replied “But this was the only name I could spell!!”

:) Love you li’l sis!

Birthday wishes

Today is my brother-in-law's 30th birthday.
But he's not here to celebrate it with us. In another 37 days we will have his 1st death anniversary. I am sure he's having the best birthday party ever in heaven right now.....

God bless you!

My elder sister

I think everyone around me has fond memories of summer vacations, spent at their paternal or maternal homes, along with lots of cousins to play with....memories of games and pranks and meals and lazy afternoons.....

Those things did not come easy for me. The fact that I was the 2nd child of the youngest son to my grandparents, and thereby the 26th of 28 cousins didn't help much. I had no one at my same age and my other cousins spent more time with the others since most of them were either 1) too old and had children of their own or 2) all in Bangalore. The only ones around me were my own siblings and I had already spent enough time with them throughout the year. Holidays in India were meant to be spent with the other cousins.

This post is for my cousin....L-Jo, the one I could say I am closest to. No, not J-Lo, but L-Jo. :-)

The very first memory that I have about her is me complaining to her mother, my aunt, that she preferred playing with the other cousins and not with me (I must have been around 6 or younger) and her getting a few beatings to "be nice and play" with me. She still complaints about this to no end. The "games" I wanted to play were simple. We used to wear straw mat sarees. Not that you could wear them like sarees, but then....after the beatings, she'd play pretty much anything I wanted to.


We actually got close after my family settled back in India and she came to spend her summer holidays with us....all 2 months. With no other cousins for her to choose over me....we bonded over never-ending chats at night that lasted till my mother would warn us from the next room. We'd sleep in in the morning, trying to avoid any work my father would surely throw at us.

We enacted scenes from Hindi movies...you know the ones....heroine receives upsetting letter from hero, runs to her room, throws herself on the bed and cries....those ones....This particular scene was repeated a zillion times, running from a 10-15 feet distance and finally landing on our bed.

Finally, when I completed my academics, I moved to the city and stayed with my aunt for 2 years (of which a short stint I stayed in a PG - more about that later). We continued bonding over weekend shopping, evening walks, stories, dumb songs.... We went to GK Vales to get my "proposal photos" taken - those are still hidden and apart from my parents and Lindo, she's the only other person on earth to have seen them. We learned to drape sarees and learned to walk to church in them...we were each other's company on Valentine's day...

For me, she's my big sister cum best friend. Okay, not much of a big sister but the age gap is perfect and we get along so well. If someone was to continuously listen to our conversations, they'd get bored after say 3-4 days. Mainly because we still laugh about the same things, the same stories, the same songs.

Its been a while since I have been in touch, but I remembered her a few days back and missed her lots and I thought I should share this with you all.

Love you L-Jo....God bless everyone with a relative like you.

What's in a name?

What's in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
~ William Shakespeare

I think it is time to introduce my 3 men. But i want to give them a Nom de Plume....or whatever it's called in the cyberworld. But what do i name them? Something catchy for sure... what about Knight names?

Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad and Sir God-knows-what...no, i didn't like the info that i get on these knights...i need something else! Something meaningful.

Dragon names? My boys would love that!
Google -> Dragon name generator -> What??? I can't even read this, forget spelling it out.

I checked and checked...Hobbit? Nah! Elf? No...Red Indian? Greek? Viking? Ninja?

I finally decided to name them: Lindo, Timothy and Nathaniel. Brilliant, right? Why change what is already good?

So meet my family: Lindo, Timothy (aka Tim or Timmy) and Nathaniel (aka Nathan).